Hartland Loafers Club
The Hartland Loafers Club is an organization that charges no membership fees. We meet each morning, unless it is too early. We pretend it is early whether it is or not. Our motto is, Lets do nothing and the sooner the better. We are the Hartland Loafers Club. We gather in a lump. We sit around doing nothing for however long it takes, we try to figure out how to do even less, and then we go home and rest. We are half mouth and half hungry. Eating a lot runs in our families--ambition limps. We are proud men who believe in sweating as little as possible. Every town has such a mens group. The Hartland Loafers Club does have a womens auxiliary. It is called LAWS. That stands for Let A Woman Shovel. We understand the universal laws such as, every cold a man has ever had is the worst cold he has ever had and is many times more severe than any a woman could ever have. The Hartland Loafers Club. We know everything. We even know a lot of things that arent true
THERE MAY BE A COFFEE SURPLUS
I was in a large city. There was a Starbucks every 10 feet. There is too much coffee in the world.
I read that coffee might be good for short-term memory. If that is true, why do I see cold cups of coffee sitting everywhere?
People forget to drink the stuff.
A HOMEMADE ALARM CLOCK
He told me hed write the number on his forehead with his finger. If hed write a 6, hed never failed to wake at that hour.
RUMINATIONS
What separates man from the animals is that animals have nothing like pro wrestling.
There ought to be a 2-hour warning period on gas price changes.
Just because you have power tools doesnt mean you can fix anything.
If there are 4 men in a car, one will shout out the price of gas at every station you pass.
My wife thinks Im immature just because I wont let her into my fort.
How many opossums have to die before they get a Opossum Crossing sign?
Be too busy trying to improve yourself to criticize others.
Always be nice to anyone who spends time alone with your food.
Why is the gas tank always on the wrong side of a new car?
If I dont believe in solipsism, who will?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it, but if you cannot remember it, who cares?
HAMBURGER HISTORY
The hamburger was great.
I doubt that the grill had ever been cleaned.
Taking a bite out of the hamburger was to experience the history of the hamburger.
FROM ALASKA
She was wearing a strap-on, cleat-like apparatus on each of her boots as we traipsed around snowy Haines, Alaska.
I asked her if she found them to be of help.
She replied, Theyre cheaper than x-rays.
THE 4 STAGES OF LIFE FOR THE NEWSPAPER READER
1) Reads the comics first.
2) Reads the sports first.
3) Reads the news first.
4) Reads the obituaries first.
I NEED A NAP
Dogs and cats tend to sleep a lot. Most dogs sleep 13-14 hours a day and cats snooze about 16 hours every day. Most of that time is spent napping or sleeping lightly. Big dogs typically sleep more than medium or small-sized dogs. Working dogs, such as farm dogs or hunting dogs, don't sleep as much as indoor dogs.
Dogs that spend a lot of time at Starbucks sleep the least.
BECOMING ABSENT-MINDED
I hear folks referring to their inability to remember things as a case of a senior moment.
I counter that by asking them if they had received a perfect score on every test they took in school. If they hadnt, they never could remember things. What child has not forgotten a mitten or a glove somewhere?
I am reminded of the words of Mark Twain, When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
DANCING
I am like most men. When I got married, I thought that my dancing days were over.
It came as a surprise when I learned that dancing continues even into marriage.
Because of this fact, my wife and I attend wedding dances. These are primitive affairs meant to promote such tribal dancing as the Hokey Pokey and the Chicken Dance.
Its not just pulling a hamstring to music. These wedding dances are opportune times to renew old acquaintances. A time to visit with others.
The problem is that the music is too loud and unceasing.
We try to talk, but what we have arent really conversations.
They are merely words shouted into the tumult.
©Al Batt 2005