At Least It's Convenient
I pity the poor convenience store these days. It features gas we can no longer afford, cigarettes we can no longer smoke and snacks our doctors no longer let us eat.
A TRAVELING BEETLE
Multi-colored Asian Lady Beetles love my garage. I have a 2-car or 200 billion-lady beetle garage. The insects cover everything, including my car. A bunch of lady beetles were on the windshield of my car the other day. I backed my car out of the garage and drove to Winona via I-90. All of the lady beetles lost their grip on the windshield, but one. It refused to let go. I could have turned on the windshield wipers, but I wanted to see how long the stubborn beetle could persist. The 70-mile per hour speed was unable to dislodge the beetle. As I pulled into the hotel parking lot, the cars trip counter told me that I had traveled 120 miles. I parked my car and gathered my bags. As I walked by the front of my car, the lady beetle flew away.
MINUTES FROM THE HARTLAND LOAFERS CLUB MEETING
The conversation was lively and the opinions spirited. As one member readied to express his opinion, he pronounced, "I'm no rocket surgeon, but those yodel dogs kept me awake half the night.
It doesnt take coyotes to keep me awake. I fertilized my lawn a little too heavily this year. Now the grass grows so fast, the sound of it growing keeps me awake all night.
We are all birdwatchers. Who can hear the call of a goose and not look up?
When Im finally holding all the cards, Ill be playing chess.
Has anyone successfully opened a box without ripping apart the area where the instructions read, To open, lift tab?
The worst thing about history repeating itself is that every time it repeats itself, the price goes up.
I asked a friend of mine how he was enjoying being retired. He replied, Ive finally found a job thats perfect for me.
There is no better driver than a passenger.
Hurry makes distances seem longer.
Part of retirement planning today is deciding what kind of a job you want to have after you retire.
When did soaking wet became the standard for weighing people?
At a 100-year-olds birthday party, the honoree was asked for any secrets that he might have to living so long.
He had one.
He said, When it rains, I let it.
A HAMSTER FROM THE PAST
When I was a small boy, I whined and whined until my mother, against her own good sense, bought me a hamster from the Dime Store. I promised repeatedly that I would take care of the pet. As usual, my mother ended up with the responsibility. One day, in exasperation, she asked me, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?" I thought for a moment before replying, Once?"
A TRAVELING MAN
I was in a small town cafe in northern Michigan.
I overheard part of a conversation between two men that was filled with exclamation points. These two men were either suffering from some hearing loss or had an interest in sharing their conversation with everyone in the immediate zip code.
As I ate my breakfast, I heard the first man say, Hes a real nice fellow.
I dont care, said the second.
Well, you should. Hes a very nice guy.
Maybe so, but thats the kind of man you have to look out for.
FROM THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR
The New York City metropolitan area is home to 7 percent of the U.S. population and 23 percent of the nation's psychiatrists.
When Babe Ruth hit 60 home runs for the New York Yankees in 1927, he hit more home runs than any of the other seven American League teams.
The average resident of the United States eats 22 quarts of ice cream each year.
The median hourly pay for the state of Minnesota is $15.87 an hour.
ITS DRIVING US MAD
Hagerty Insurance polled drivers on what they found to be the most annoying things about other drivers. The Top 10 Pet Peeves of the Road" are: 1. Distracted drivers talking on cell phones. 2. Slow drivers in the fast lane. 3. Drivers who tailgate. 4. Drivers who weave through traffic to gain one or two car lengths. 5. Obnoxious drivers who speed up to keep you from changing lanes. 6. Drivers who change lanes without signaling. 7. Road rage. 8. Motorcyclists who race down the middle of a lane, between cars. 9. Women applying makeup and men shaving. 10. Drivers who leave their turn signal on for miles.
Mother Teresa said, "Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. Be kind.
©Al Batt 2006