Hartland Loafer's Club Chitchat
“No matter what state I drive in, the worst drivers follow me there. There would be much less road rage if every driver was required to wear one of those red clown noses while he or she drives. I knew the price of gas would go down. I had a bunch of it on lay-away.”
“It shouldn’t bother you. Everyone says that you’re a millionaire.” 
“They shouldn’t say that I’m a millionaire, but they can say that I pay taxes like a millionaire. I’ll tell you right now that I’m going to have a difficult time voting for any candidate from whom I have received a phone call with a recorded message.”
“My sister owns a Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is always far away. She’s a vegetarian and she owns a Chihuahua.