More Hartland Loafers' Club

“What did you name your new dog?”
“Are you an Oklahoma fan?”
“No, I named her that because she’d sooner go on the carpet than outside. Her name might seem odd to you, but I’ll tell you what’s really odd.”
“What’s that?”
“When I’m wearing a hat, it doesn’t feel like I’m wearing one. Then when I take the hat off, it feels like I’m wearing one.” 

My wife ambushes me occasionally. I’ll be sitting in my favorite chair, when my lovely bride asks, “Honey, what are you thinking about?
I once answered the way husbands have been responding to their wives since the first time a wife asked, “What are you thinking about?”
I used to reply, “Nothing.”
It was a truthful answer. It takes years of fishing and watching televised golf to give men the capability of clearing their minds of all thought. We can assume a Zen-like state where nobody is driving the brain bus. During this time, the soundtrack playing in a husband’s mind sounds like the theme song to a Laurel and Hardy film. There is space available in our brains. I know that many wives think that husbands do not always listen very well. The problem is that we are incapable of hearing anything other than an announcer’s voice whenever someone on TV is playing with a ball. If this makes us bad listeners, so be it.
I have learned, as I have become a veteran in the married game. Life is a continuing education. Now whenever my wife asks me what I am thinking about, I answer, “Why--you, honey, of course.”
It might be a lie, but it’s a small lie for the good of all concerned.
The average married man lies 198 times each day—all out of self-preservation.

Ben told me that he had grown up near Detroit Lakes. His family did not have indoor plumbing. They had an outhouse instead. One night, nature called long after darkness had fallen. A very young Ben trudged to the little house out back. Ben was about to enter the structure when a large owl flew out of the outhouse. Ben fell to the ground in surprise. Ben said the incident disturbed him so that he had to walk to the neighbors to use their outhouse. He added that he had no trouble going. 

While I was in England, many people asked me what part of Canada I was from. After a number of these queries, I gave up trying to explain Minnesota and its location. My answer to the question became, “The southern part of Canada.” 

If lost in the woods, try to find a opossum. It will lead you to a busy highway, and if the car that hits the opossum stops, you could ask the driver for a ride.
The number of rows on an ear of corn is always even. That seems odd. 
More pets are lost on the Fourth of July than at any other day of the year.
The warmest day of the year in Minnesota, on average, is July 23.
I watched blue jays at a feeder that offered peanuts in a shell. A blue jay would pick up several of the shells before choosing one. The bird was finding which one of the peanuts was the heaviest, as that one would contain the most nutmeat. 

I love Minnesota. It’s a great place to live. A person is lucky to live in Minnesota because of the weather. There is weather suited for everyone. Whatever kind of weather you like, sooner or later, you will get it. And there is enough weather for everybody.

I was talking to the Holstein the other day. The Holstein is a retired milk cow, so she has time to talk. I speculated that cows had mastered the art of relaxation and I wondered if she had any tips for the rest of us.
The Holstein chewed her cud thoughtfully and said, “I get up each morning and dust off my wits, then pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name isn’t there, then I know I'm not dead. I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.”

My wife tells me that pennies on the ground are signs from loved ones that have passed over to spirit. They drop pennies to let us know they are with and around us.

If you do not often feel the joy of doing a kind act, you are depriving yourself of one of life’s greatest blessings. Be kind.

©Al Batt 2007