I wonder how many off-the-road vehicles have ever gone off the road on purpose?

You’re never too old to feel disappointment when a scoop of ice cream falls off your cone.

Houses are getting bigger and bigger. I saw one the other day that was nearly as large as a SUV.

Time is what we wish we had more of, complain that we don’t have enough of, and waste much of what we have.

The poorer the magazines in the waiting room, the longer the wait.

I hung a rubber human in the henhouse to amuse the chickens.

Look in a mirror and say “Squirrel” three times and you will start acting irrationally when crossing the street. 

The hardest job to do is the one that will wait.

If all our road signs are in English, shouldn’t the driver’s license exams be given only in English?

Interstate highways bring a true appreciation of exit signs.

Every time you are with your dog, one of you is training the other.

My cousin was a city kid.
He would visit the farm and tell me exotic stories of his life. He told me that when he had no gum, he would chew hot tar. When we had no gum, which constituted most of the time, we chewed wheat.
His visits convinced me that I was the fortunate son by living on a farm instead of the city.
When we were gumless, I got fiber in my diet. My cousin got his potholes filled.

The last lawn mowings of each year are missing an ingredient that makes the chore tolerable. No, it’s not enthusiasm, although that is certainly lacking, too. What is absent are the dive-bombing swallows that typically accompany any lawn mowing expedition in our yard. The swallows have flown south and left me to do battle with the lawn alone.
I miss them.

Red-headed woodpeckers love cherries. Audubon reported shooting more than 100 of them from a single cherry tree in one day. In colonial America, this woodpecker was considered a pest to crops (especially corn) and orchards, and a bounty of two pence was paid for each dead bird.

The Song of Solomon says, “The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land.”

The Biblical reference to the “voice of the turtle” recognizes the call of the dove heralding the arrival of spring. The mourning dove is often called a turtle dove. The European turtle dove had been known by the name “turtur” which imitated the bird’s call. The name was changed in the 1500s to “turtul.”

In the story of Noah, it was a dove that on the 47th day of the great flood, brings back an olive branch to the ark as proof that the waters had receded.

The mourning dove is unusual among birds in its ability to drink water without having to tip its head back to swallow.

A friend found a barn swallow nest that had fallen to the ground. She used duct tap to put the nest back into place. The swallows raised babies in a mud nest with duct tape siding.

Some say that the bird’s inability to walk well on land gave the loon its name and that “loon” is a corruption of “loom,” which means “lame” on the Shetland Islands. Others claim that “loon” derives from the Norwegian word for “wild, sad cry.”

It was called the “wild canary” while I was growing up. The American goldfinch is known as the ‘thistle finch” or “distlefink” in Pennsylvania Dutch country. “Shiner” is another name given to this beautiful bird.

On October 4th, I had a yard full of dark-eyed juncos. Folklore says that the first trackable snowfall will occur 6 weeks after the appearance of this snowbird.

How much money spent on signs at countless gas stations would be saved if they did away with the price ending with 9/10 of a cent? What’s the point of this? If gas is $2.49.9 per gallon and I pump exactly one gallon, will I get a tenth of a cent back in change? 

Each year, when we returned to school, we’d have to write a composition titled, “How I Spent My Summer Vacation.” 
I was the son of dairy farmers who did not believe in taking a vacation.
Here is, word-for-word and complete, one of my “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” essays.
“Summer. Barefoot. Nail in foot. Tetanus shot. Lecture. Barefoot.”

Listening to Dizzy Dean and Pee Wee Reese doing the “Game of the Week,” the only nationally televised baseball game of the week.

Be kind. Never let a kind word go unsaid.

©Al Batt 2005