MINUTES FROM THE HARTLAND LOAFERS CLUB MEETING
I didnt do very well in school. It was because of my short attention span.
Yeah, you kept forgetting to go to school. How come the siren doesnt blow at noon in town anymore?
They had to silence it. It was waking too many people.
Speaking of sounds, Ive found that if I hum while Im walking, it keeps the mosquitoes away.
Ive heard about that, but I think it works only if youre walking 50 miles per hour. My wife asked me for $100 today. I didnt have it. I carry just enough money to get me out of what I can still get into. I fell off a 40-foot ladder yesterday.
Youre lucky you werent killed.
Oh, I was only on the first rung. Clutch quit his job.
Do you have anybody in mind to fill the vacancy?
Nope. When Clutch quit, he didnt leave a vacancy.
Lisa told me that her small town was growing. She summed it up thusly, We used to have a store that sold shoes. Now we have a shoe store.
A SMALL TOWN IN ALASKA
Jolene told me that she had entered a small business in a small town in Alaska and asked the clerk if they had Freedent gum.
The clerk said they did not carry that item.
A few hours later, Jolenes husband Bob, not knowing that she had already checked, stopped in at the same store and asked the same clerk if they had Freedent gum.
Once again, the clerk replied in the negative.
As Bob was leaving the store, he heard the clerk say to a coworker, Maybe we should order some Freedent gum. Weve been getting a lot of requests for it lately.
Do you like free stuff? Visit the library.
With portions being so large, its difficult to remain a member in good standing in the Clean Plate Club.
Is there such a thing as unacceptable behavior in Hollywood?
Age is like climbing a mountain. The higher you get, the more tired and breathless you become, but your view becomes more extensive.
Never ask your wife to cook something just like your mother used to make.
The secret to using a porta-potty is never look down.
Though our mothers constantly warned against lockjaw, I dont recall a single child succumbing to the ravages of tetanus despite our frequent stepping on rusty nails. There were always piles of old lumber behind people's houses,
Lots of swallows and doves lined up on power lines. Ruby-throated Hummingbirds, Blue-winged Teal, nighthawks, Chimney Swifts, vireos, flycatchers, thrushes, and swallows are migrating through. Yellow Warblers, Warbling Vireos, and Purple Martins have left. Baltimore Orioles, kingbirds, and Rose-breasted Grosbeaks are leaving. Warblers, flycatchers, vireos, and thrushes fly overhead at night and feed in shrubbery and woodlots by day. Look up to see the migration of Broad-winged Hawks, Red-tailed Hawks, Northern Harriers (Marsh Hawks), Ospreys, and American Kestrels.
Some blooming wildflowers include: evening primrose, milkweeds, blazing star, asters, and goldenrods. Big bluestem, little bluestem, and Indian grass are showing bronze, purple, gold, and copper colors on prairies.
The migration of the Monarch butterflies to Mexico begins. Day length and temperature changes influence the movement that can be up to 3000 miles. Its a migration we would expect from birds or whales, but unlike birds or whales, individual butterflies make the trip only once. The great-grandchildren or great-great grandchildren make the trip to the same winter roosts, very often in the same tree as their ancestors. Monarch butterflies readily visit asters, yarrow, goldenrods, blazing stars and sedum during their journey south.
Yellow jackets are beneficial insects for much of the year. They eat aphids from rose bushes and worms from apples. In late August through October, their behavior changes. Their normal foods, like caterpillars and maggots, begin to dwindle in number. They seek another source of nutrition and carbohydrates--your lunch. They will get into the fermenting fruit (they can cut grapes, watermelon and berries) and become intoxicated. A yellow jacket is a mean and aggressive drunk. The drones are banished from the hive in September because they are no longer needed, so they are not in a very good mood either. Yellow jackets do not lose their stingers during an attack as do honeybees. They are capable of multiple stings.
Woolly bear caterpillars cross the roads. The color of this caterpillar form of the Isabella moth is supposed to indicate the harshness of the coming winter. A dark-colored woolly bear means a bad winter and a light-colored one indicates a mild winter.
WHATS IN A NAME?
I asked Diane why she didnt take Willys last name when she married him.
She replied, I couldnt spell or pronounce his last name.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. Be kind.
©Al Batt 2006